We used to Rock n' Roll

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We used to Rock n' Roll

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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	2009.05.22 15.40 Yearly Post I'm headed back to Randolph in a couple of weeks for my dad's birthday. It's so crazy to think that it has been 7 years since I graduated high school. Place and time are intrinsically interwoven in such a crazy way. Home will never be a place that I can return to. Home was a distinct moment in time in a particular place. Home is gone. When I visit, I go back to loved ones. Who would have thought that the kid that spent so much time on this site would grow up and move to California, living in the "home" of so many of his heroes. The place I live now shaped my youth so much more than I could have realized.



	2007.05.14 11.22 internet geography The internet is fucking with my sense of self and space. Does unlimited access to this expansive virtual space offer a sense of freedom and relief in the same way that access to physical space can? At times it feels like an open field, reaching out in every direction, yet it is impossible to run though it, there is no soil to dig, and no air to breathe. Nonetheless, there is a sense of space here. Countless places to build. Hiding places and stages, intertwined and side by side. Possibilities seem limitless. Yet, it is still a police state. Still subject to the dynamics of the city streets, with advertisers, hustlers, criminals, and police all fighting to dominate the territory of our minds and our wallets. Encrypted code, firewalls, passwords, and PINs. Virtual fences and borders, towns, cities, countries, kingdoms, and squats. Digital identities and pixelized smiles in a land grab. Serfs, farming the land of MySpace, Facebook, and LiveJournal. But, without the pain of physical labor. And without the joy of physical touch.



	2007.05.03 12.44 just a test Over the past few days, I have opened up livejournal, considered writing everything in it, as I go through this stressful period of transition. But I don't write a thing. I remember spending so much time on here as a semi-angsty teenager, writing every thought that popped into my adolescent head. Maybe my Irish side is just coming out more as I get older, but I no longer feel the same comfort putting it all on the table like I used to. I keep a lot more in. Nonetheless, there are still plenty of things that I need to release; far more than when I used to depend on this virtual paper. Instead I let the stress build up, leaving me more volatile than I have ever felt. But I don't know if venting to livejournal is an appropriate forum for me anymore. These digital medias don't seem real enough. The bullshit of hyperreality... So, this is a test. Does this media offer me any comfort, like it once did? Does it make me feel more uneasy, as I expose my current vulnerabilities, to myself, to others? Does it just make me feel like I am 16 again?



	2007.01.27 19.27 years and years i'm amazed this thing still works. i still look at it occasionally, but don't add anything to it. not unlike a lot of interests and causes i used to be devoted to. i've taken a step outside to be a quiet observer with the masses, rather than a participant. not nearly as much fun. trying to change it again. always have something to do get done first though. that thing right now is my thesis. in a few months, i could conceivably have a master's. i'll be 23 with a fucking master's degree. maybe then i'll be ready to do what i want to with life. but i guess there will be something else to do first. i don't wanna be someone who waits until retirement to fulfill his dreams. i wanna do (fuck up) shit while i'm young. while i'm still on my feet and i can chase the sunset and run from the cops. there's a lot of walls out there. i wanna write my name on them all and then watch them crumble. there's a lot of countries, states, cities, and towns. empty buildings warm houses. i have a lot of exploring to do. a lot of people to meet. a lot of ears to torment with my songs. there's wars going on. people are dying unneccesarily. people are dying for things they believe in. i have a lot of courage to find. the world is building up its arms. and when they let them loose. i want the glow to show a smile on my face. and if i'm lucky, in that brief moment, maybe i will see the glow reflected off the eyes of someone i love.



	2005.04.12 18.35 .+/-.da.here.da.now.-\+. as i become increasingly torn between my past and my future it gets easier and easier to lose sight of the present. broken bones can't slow me down. if i can learn to swim with one arm i know i'll have no problem with two.



	2005.03.28 13.22 .+.confronting.+. its scary returning to the people, places, memories, i've left behind. brief moments overshadow the entire experience, weighted by situational intensity and consequence. it's forever almost the right time to stop being a coward.



	2005.02.24 10.24 .+.now.for.the.future.+. i have so much shit to get done lately. but i cant help but be distracted by hoping and planning for everything arising in the near future. in two weeks i'll be in london. and in three months i'll be in my apartment. worcester for the summer... its a suprisingly exciting prospect. hopefully my summer plans fall into place. however things go, i will have an apartment. and there will be cookouts and parties.



	2005.02.16 12.02 .+.heidi.+. listening to heidi. i just got chills. so many memories. the last show at RHS was incredible. i hope LP is doing well. she was such an important person in my life.



	2005.01.31 23.20 .+.party.+. everyone needs to come to worcester on friday night. its michelles birthday and we are going to have a fucking amazing party.



	2004.07.26 23.37 .-.o'rourkes.1:20.am.-. im afraid to fall asleep, only to wake up in this same state so lay next to me tonight and help me fight this loneliness



	2004.06.15 12.14 .+.lets.party.+. got back from mexico a few days ago my birthday is tomorrow



	2004.04.26 18.45 .+.good.luck.+. im ready to be home! i miss everyone. i miss randolph and the people in it. all of the ishmael and 3sp crew. lets all rock and roll, cuddle, and have fun this summer. not going into this one with expectation or visions of grandeur, simply excited to see and be with everyone. i miss and love you all.



	2004.04.04 20.04 .+.best.advice.+. there has been a post-it on my desk for the past couple of weeks, i took down the note after a phone conversation. it reads: "dont think too hard about life" -james



	2004.03.16 15.44 .+.why.its.exciting.+. the past few months have been shitty. but im lucky that these are my biggest problems. none the less, theyre my problems and the ones i have to deal with personally, which makes them hard. california is amazing therapy though. somewhere between oakland and la i felt a feeling i havent know in months, and im still carrying it with me. the simplest moments are often the most satisfying; the unexpected, unintended, and fleeting are the most magical. i found myself again. remembered who i was. fell in love with the pacific and its stimulating cold lips. my head finally matched my conscience. this was the closest ive ever come to the dream road trip we once talked about.



	2004.01.05 01.08 .-.keeping.with.tradition.-. i have a long running tradition of mediocre and disappointing new years. this years raised the standards though. i cant believe how much that night might cost me. its already hurt me so much. i know things are shitty when i find myself back in this journal thing, trying to let out everything, trying to distract myself. i just need somehting to do when it writing letters that will never be delivered gets old.



	2003.10.21 20.57 .+.remembering.reliving.+. it's time to recover some more aspects of my life i've been missing. seeing jack this weekend really reminded me that i need some more music in my life. with that in mind, i looked at justanotherscene.com for the first time in probably a year. and there are so many amazing shows this weekend i cant even pick. Friday: the gloria record in north haven, ct the lawrence arms and against me at the YWCA in cambridge the mars volta at pearl st in northhampton one candlepower at the k of c in rumford, ct saturday: the mars volta at the avalon one candle power and ames curve at the UU hall in Dedham i really want to see the mars volta and the gloria record, but ive been really craving some one candle power and the lawrence arms lately. anyone planning on going to any of those, maybe make my choice easier?



	2003.07.20 00.52 .+/-.because.i'm.still.breathing.-\+. its been a couple months since i've done this. dont know what drew me to it tonight. life is good right now. 9th summer out at camp, and its probably the most challenging one yet. the kids in my group are especially challenging. but i still love it. i love this work. om gonna have a car out at school this year, so i'll be able to get a job at an after school program. this is really important to me, i think it will make life at school happier. im starting to think my mom, ale, and ales mom are right, i think i need to enter a field where im working with kids, possibly education. i want to do something that helps people and gives them something. i thought development policy and that stuff was the best way foor me to do that, but i dont know if im the one to do those things. i want to work with people face to face, not on paper. i dont know. i'll figure things out, i still have some time. i really miss ale. im so lucky to have what i do. ive never met anyone that ive connected to and trusted so quickly. it can be challenging, but i know its worth it. the most rewarding experiences require an effort. im nervous about friendships at home lately. some people, i will always be able to see and have fun with. but its lots of the friendships i really cherish that seem awkward lately. weve all grown and changed while weve been apart, but i want to learn from the changes everyone has gone through. weve all grown alone, now i want to grow together again. people seem scard of how weve changed, but it doesnt have to be negative. i dont want things how they used to be, then our friendships would be stagnant, when they should be constantly growing.



	2003.05.31 01.53 .+.panama.here.i.come.+. the last few months have been an explosion beauty, excitement, and suprise. \\



	2003.03.15 19.38 .-.emptiness.sets.in.-. justin and fellman just left, and i feel so fucking lonely right now. i love the two of them. both of them are so fucking important to me, and im glad i go to spend the weekend with them. i felt so alive having them around again. last weekend was amazing too, with jack visiting. but for some reason, i didnt feel lonely when jack left. our relationship is different, we feel connected no matter where we are... i need to cuddle up with someone right now. but i need to do work... work. fuck it.



	2003.02.11 20.00 .+.craving.more.+. new flesh tastes so sweet to fingertips greedily trying to devour every curve between every word an unsaid sentence is completed ee swore by flowers but i will place my promises on your forehead whispering unpronouncable words easily understood when taken lightly and placed the same until their curiostiy is satisfied these hands these lips will not rest sometimes my eyes are old but through my better senses i see with wonder of a child knowing there is always more to explore



	2003.01.22 14.09 .+.less.of.this.destruction.+. too much time allowing my thoughts to destroy me. too much time letting my thoughts crush my dreams. too much time releasing my hopes, my beliefs, and my passions to this. the past weeks have been about evaluating my situation at school and whats missing in my life. the people and places i used to depend on for support arent readily available any more. rather than looking at this negatively, i need to take advantage of this time to really learn self reliance, and self dependence. this doesnt mean forgetting that i have friends and family to go to, but it means being able find inner strength that i never needed to access before. i'm also trying to reincorporate activities, that i havent participated in since arriving here, back into my life. im in a drawing class, ive been playing guitar more, i intend to start playin saxophone again, and im gonna look into a job at an after school program at the Y. things are gonna be good.



	2003.01.04 02.53 .-.doesnt.stop.hurting.-. this goodbye was even harder than the last. it should hav ebeen easier. i need her here with me. next to me. i havent cried like this in years. it doesnt matter what i do now. if i get back together with her, the distance is going to kill me. but i just cant stop missing her. whos gonna give me what she did? this feeling is awful. i hate alabama.



	2002.12.29 17.12 .+/-.simply.how.it.is.-\+. i keep trying to convince myself that i like the challenge that comes from being around her. but this has nothing to do with self control and discipline. those are with my morals, somewhere waiting to be recovered. this is about heartbreak and emptiness. when nothing else feels fulfilling any more, this still makes me feel good, sometimes.



	2002.12.08 02.47 .+.beautiful.nonetheless.+. thursday: WoGAN, followed by insane snowball fight. later that night: too many people to fit in the car and go sledding, so an hour of just wrestling in the snow. friday: sleds made out of cardboard and trashbags. sledding with local worcester kids across the street. buildin a jump on the hill and snowboarding off it. later that night: chillin at a suite, eatin good food, 2 a.m. sledding, wrestling, tumbling, with about twenty people. then tea. saturday: robot raid on suite, to kidnap monkey puppet. make the monkey a robot suit, establish e-mail account, send e-mails from monkey, explaining his unhappiness living in the suite, and his plans to return as a robot and kill them all. later that night: erotic sounds cds used for late night phone calls.



	2002.11.24 16.22 .+/-.the.same.old.feelings.-\+. all i wanted was a closeness a touch to comfort and a look to explain but when you leaned back your body said nothing and my arms desperately attempted to make clear i am lonely

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